|
|
Been working on Solo. Flew my own ruds. Felt good first time in years. Did LIC. Had big win at the end of it. Not only do I feel good, "I know" I feel good! I seem to have a weight literally off my shoulders that I have had for 36 years. It really feels good to be on Solo. Rainmann |
I'm a new member of this list.
My list name refers to the rundown which has been my fondest personal break trough. After 20 years of Scn of which 7 in the SO I was carefully sticking(!) to my own programs. Free zone exec Scn5 disagreed and managed to bring me in contact with Ralph Hilton. Ralph got me out of my "preparation phase" and on to the pre-ot bridge in about 20 minutes. I've been doing very well since! There is however lots of room for improvement. Power of choice over a game, who's the god in a universe, offering or accepting to wear a hat, being safe and a few more concepts are as yet chargey for me. So for now i will mostly consume your postings. I can be capable of valuable contributions though. V. |
Where to begin? Jeez. I could have written a success story after most
sessions, so this could be longish! Wow. I'm not normally a person given
to saying "wow" very much - but well - wow!
Let's start with perhaps the least of the wins. When I came to Ralph's place after a while I started to notice new things in the environment. I mainly put it down to being in a new place. But after a while I couldn't help but notice the world kind of seemed new. On the way to Ralph's in the morning I couldn't help but notice that one building seemed to have a whole new piece that I had never seen before. I remarked to Ralph that I kept noticing new things. Then, that lunchtime, I noticed something that kind of gob-smacked me. Any of you who have been here will know that there are ski slopes near by. I had seen this when I came - or I thought I had. A few days previously I wandered around town and saw this map of the mountain with the ski slopes. There seemed to be several ski slopes on the map. I thought to myself, "No, that map has to be wrong, there is only one ski slope on the mountain, I'm sure. I've looked. I can only see one ski slope." Looked up at the mountain and, sure enough, there was only one ski slope. But as I walked down the hill on this particular day suddenly I could see all the ski slopes. It was like a whole chunk of the mountain hadn't existed for me before. I couldn't believe it. Then as I walked back I said to myself, "Oh no, this can't be true, there is a whole building there I have never seen before". Now I kind of thought of myself as a reasonably together, in PT kind of guy, but I had to admit that I hadn't been anywhere near it. I wondered how I had ever managed to navigate around before or even how I got to Ralph's in the first place! Then I realized that I actually had been right - there sure are a lot of people who were further from PT than I had been. "How do they cope" I mused. It seemed astonishing. On starting OT2 I noticed this was, well, shattering auditing. It kind of seemed to me that I was taking a sledgehammer to something and bashing it. I would sit in the chair and do the things you do on this level and the meter was going bang. Next command - bang. Next command - bang. Falls and blowdowns coming at the rate of - well I don't know exactly - quite a number every minute - and the needle rising again pretty well as fast as it fell - next command - bang. I soon realized you could fire off more commands to get more blowdowns faster than the needle could rise again. It really was like taking a sledgehammer to case and smashing it up. And finally I smashed right on through - splintered it to pieces. "Uh, you got me, after all this time" was the exact thought that came back. It was such a relief. (Perhaps a bit more on that later). Another session wasn't just shattering - it was plain explosive. I had my attention on something on a planetary scale. And I had the meter going like before with lots of falls and blowdowns. Except this one didn't seem to want to shatter. Kept going. Then ka-boom! This previously unsuspected mass just blew apart, exploded off. I felt it go both of my shoulders and the planet. And with it this grief charge. And I was just about to let the tears come to my eyes when I noticed I couldn't - I was gasping for breath. My space had suddenly blown out so far that there was a vacuum and I couldn't breathe. Fortunately it passed quickly. Shortly after I had this peculiar reality. It was like having LRH standing behind me. Previously I had seen other people mention that they felt like they had some comm. from the old man - to which I thought, "you pretentious bastard, don't believe you". But I swear that was what it was like (so I take back my pretentious bastard thoughts there OK). It was like he said, "Thank you, I hadn't spotted that one" and he gave me this pointer about metering that I hadn't got before. That was some session. I went back to my room that night and I wondered if anything had changed in the world. Switched on the CNN news. Now news people - well you know - they always seem to like relaying bad news. But that evening it was different. It seemed that all the stories were about people resolving their conflicts and starting peace talks and such things. It was amazing. Now what else, ah, yes. People talk about 4th dynamic engram in relation to the no-interference zone and OT3 in particular. Well - hmm - yes, if you're going to pick a dynamic which it lies across I guess you have to pick the 4th. But it actually lies directly or indirectly lies across all of them. It is one thing to hear a tape like RJ67 and go, "Oh my god", but with it applying to the 4th dynamic - well it seemed kind of distant for me. What is the 4th dynamic after all - it is people in foreign countries, anonymous faces on trains. The 2nd and 3rd are about people you know, love, work with and with whom you share interests and purposes. The 4th, because of the numbers involved, is almost by definition about people you don't know. So the concept '4th dynamic engram' is a little bit removed from one's day to day reality. Well, if you think like that, as I did, let me tell you that you are in for a shock. It gets personal. Confronting the catastrophe up close can get personal - don't resist it or you won't really make it - just be warned and ready for a gob smacking reality shift when it comes. All I can say is that if you've got the balls for it, it is well worth it. The resurgence is very well worth it indeed. Then there is the matter of clear. Ha! If I could have a pound (dollar, euro, shekel if you prefer) for every confusion I had on that subject I would be a rich man. What did LRH mean when he said people should be routed up even if "they can still see some pictures" (clearly implying they are supposed to have none)? And then in DMSMH he says almost, apparently, the exact reverse when he says clears can recall with full visio, tone-audio etc. Well, anybody out there who is clear who ponders this question - don't ponder it - just move - please - there is an answer. And in spotting the answer to that - well it opens up a whole new game I promise. Then there is perhaps the most moving of my wins. When I talked about relief earlier and also about this here 4th dynamic engram getting personal. Phew. I don't know how to say this. In fact I can't really without throwing people below this level into something they perhaps don't really need to have their attention on. But, well, to blow some balled up, snarled up theta that you have held dear for so long and to dis-enturbulate it. It defies description. It still brings tears to my eyes. I can only say thank you to all those along the way who have helped because this has been the most deeply moving honour to do this thing. And the recovery of self in so doing. You just have to do this to find out. Love, Nick. |
Just thought I would sit down here tonight, and share
some of the wins, successes and gains I've had while
getting through my OT preps.
Firstly, it has been quite interesting that I have addressed some problems I was having in life with people , in this auditing. And, as a result, people in my company have changed. I had heard of OTVII's auditing on their own, and this having an effect on other people. This was always a mystery to me before but now I think I understand it very well. I blew through my counter intention towards other people when I addressed my charge on them. As a result, the problems vanished. The other persons stopped counter intending me. This, in itself, has made for a much more comfortable life. For instance, (I hate to put people in mystery), but just to let you know how elementary this is, my husband was always commplaining about the way I spent money (which was microscopic, I could not have spent less without us starving). I mean, it was a constant injustice. I handled my upset about this four weeks ago. My husband hasn't mentioned finances since the day of that session. And I've really started getting my havingness up and actually buying things for myself. I mean, I'm really spending money now like I never did before and he's happy! This is a little thing, but one of those things that makes life very uncomfortable. Whatever I addressed in this auditing, for whatever reason, not only blew in my universe but, changed the universe of others I was dealing with. I still don't know why. This never happened to me before. Secondly, I used to be very afraid of my mind. Really, I always had to have a buddy (an auditor), to go there with me. Whatever bothered me went on suppress until my next session. I never let myself look in there. I actually had the courage one night after I got into my auditing, to get the idea I could look over there and come out alive, while I was laying in bed thinking in the dark. And this was a very terrible thing I had never had the courage to look at or talk about before. But I "knew" about it and it had been bugging me for at least five hundred years. It was always the thing I held back from the auditor in front me, because it was too terrible to go into in the company of somebody else. Yet, it was the thing that plagued me after every session that I really wanted to handle. Well, I went over there and admited it was there, all by myself without a buddy. I got a little stuck in it and I had to take my buddy over there to look too in my next session, but we got through it. I mean, she got me through it. I say this as a win because, as a being I feel I got up to not playing research and discovery with my auditor,(you do the research and discovery on the other side of the table) but took part myself in cleaning up my case. I helped the auditor and helped myself. I had never been up to that level before as a P.C.. I placed all of the responsibility on the auditor and the meter. So, this was a very big step for me. I guess the auditing I had had before that on my ot preps, really bought me up to a cause point where I wasn't so afraid of my own mind any more. I used to be afraid of other peoples minds too, for whatever reason. I've shed that fear in this auditing and recent training on my solo courses. For the first time in all my years of Scientology, I have become interested , very interested, in auditing other people. I am doing my OT preps and solo course at the same time. I WENT CLEAR IN 1976, but I wasn't happy. Not only was I unhappy and confused and charged up, but I felt angry and walled off from people. Reading the happiness tech I assumed I had many overts and withholds, (I did), and I went about trying to find happiness via sec checks and sec checks (I did brighten up). I wrote overts and witholds for seven months on the Hubbard Personal Ethics and Integrity course. I had callous' on my fingers from using the pen. I had three CCRD's . I would go to Flag for auditing and feel so bad for the Sea Org members I couldn't be in session with them. The harder I tried to be happy the more serious and failed I became. In twenty five years I spun around and around in circles always wondering why..what was wrong with me? Well, in this auditing I managed to rise above that maddness. I had someone in front of me, willing to hear that a thetan can be hurt. And suddenly, it was o.k. to say, "Hey, I'm a thetan, I'm a clear, but you know what, I'm a thetan and thetans without reactive minds can be hurt if you don't mind this happened to me and I feel bad about it". Thetans have hearts! There is such a thing as love and a broken heart and it's not all, or any, reactive! Hey, what do you know! Can I admit this? You know, the auditor really wanted to know about this and wasn't at all demeaning about my , my, fucking justified upset. Whew! Well, you know, to be angry for centeries it grows on you like a damned barnicle on a ship hull. It's really grand now to be alive. It's really grand to not be angry. It's really grand to not be walled off from the rest of the human race. I left session and met my kids and smelled them for the first time. They smell like puppies! It's really grand to come home and be glad to be here instead of wishing I could come uptone high enough to get a divorce. It's really grand to touch someone and really feel them with your fingers. It's really grand to be alive and think of what I want to do next. It's really grand to believe in Scientology again. My auditor managed to get me to this place, of living again, for less than the price of auditing cans at A.S.H.O.. In the end, it pays to be a good Catholic. (private joke). (sort of kidding)..but I will pay it forward, I promise. It really IS all about caring about the guy in front of you. I wish all of you were getting auditing from my auditor. Love, To Be |
| Home Doubt About us More Successes, OT1 |
| Disclaimer: This site is not in any way connected with the Church of Scientology. It is about Freezone Scientology. That is Scientology (and Dianetics) as practiced by persons who believe in the workability of the spiritual technology (auditing) developed by L. Ron Hubbard, but who wish to follow those beliefs free from the purview of the Church of Scientology. If you came to this site wishing to find the Church of Scientology, go to a reputable search engine site and use words such as Scientology, Dianetics or L. Ron Hubbard as your search criteria whereupon you should find a selection of the sites promoted by that organisation. |
